It is over a year later, and I feel I need to explain the beginning of this blog.

Not today, though.

Today, I just want to try and relax. She is pregnant. I am working. Got an awful toothache, a wedding breathing down our necks, and a messy house.

There is a kitten sleeping on the couch, and A is bickering with L. R is on video games a lot these days. This is nice, since it is a hobby of all of ours, and he is going to be able to play more with us soon. Bad, though, because those things are so distracting.

I hope he builds a taste for outdoors play, too.

I like the sweet sounds you make when I am inside of you.

 I like how you fill all of my empty spaces

I have to say...yesterday was hard, but I need to jot down the little things, they matter.

Ashley I would prefer you not read, but I will not demand, if you need to, then by all means do so.

-Ashley was profoundly bothered by the effect yesterday's revelation had on me. That was sad, but I know partly it was due to her protectiveness. I love her so much.

-We somehow ended up having really raunchy sex after this. 

-She did not evade talking.

-She was attentive last night, sought closeness and cuddled a lot. THat matters a great deal to me, even if I slept kinda wonky.
 
Kota and Panda were both good today, they just need tlc. Panda needs boundaries but also approval. Kota needs a little bit of a loose leash but also some firmness. Cassian is climbing all over the place and I can't figure out what to do.
 

I like how playful you are, despite how I may jokingly bitch about it, it is something I enjoy, your wrestling matches and prodding and poking.

 I like how you will just sit with me for hours and watch tv or play video games.

I like how no matter where we are, if you are there it is home.

I like how you are always there and willing to comfort me.

I really gotta stop beating myself up over this kind of thing, at least not so bad.

Look. When you are trying to make massive changes to your life, it's like climbing Hell's Dagger. Grappling with ice and snow. There are times where you will probably slip. Maybe you lose precious inches or feet or yards in your ascent, but you didn't fall off. You didn't fall off the mountain and you didn't drop your stuff. You may have freaked out, maybe even shit your pants, but you are still hanging on.

I have climbed a lot this month. I am happy. We are happy, and I am not stopping.

 

I really messed up yesterday. I had a panic attack, which did a necro act on some seriously nasty emotions I had dealt with previously. It caused a relapse and I did not react well. I was able to stop it from becoming a riot. I still ended up keeping my wife up somehow. Probably sleep paralysis or vocalizations of pain. Those extreme, scary attacks only come once in a while. Probably a reaction to all of my recent life changes. Whatever the case, today is miserable. Fuck today. I intend to get a lot done today. Part of changing my self-loathing habits is not comparing myself to others, but comparing myself to myself. As long as I am working better than I did yesterday, and especially better than a month ago, everything is gonna turn out fine. Compound effect.