I like the sweet sounds you make when I am inside of you.

 I like how you fill all of my empty spaces

I have to say...yesterday was hard, but I need to jot down the little things, they matter.

Ashley I would prefer you not read, but I will not demand, if you need to, then by all means do so.

-Ashley was profoundly bothered by the effect yesterday's revelation had on me. That was sad, but I know partly it was due to her protectiveness. I love her so much.

-We somehow ended up having really raunchy sex after this. 

-She did not evade talking.

-She was attentive last night, sought closeness and cuddled a lot. THat matters a great deal to me, even if I slept kinda wonky.
 
Kota and Panda were both good today, they just need tlc. Panda needs boundaries but also approval. Kota needs a little bit of a loose leash but also some firmness. Cassian is climbing all over the place and I can't figure out what to do.
 

I like how playful you are, despite how I may jokingly bitch about it, it is something I enjoy, your wrestling matches and prodding and poking.

 I like how you will just sit with me for hours and watch tv or play video games.

I like how no matter where we are, if you are there it is home.

I like how you are always there and willing to comfort me.

I really gotta stop beating myself up over this kind of thing, at least not so bad.

Look. When you are trying to make massive changes to your life, it's like climbing Hell's Dagger. Grappling with ice and snow. There are times where you will probably slip. Maybe you lose precious inches or feet or yards in your ascent, but you didn't fall off. You didn't fall off the mountain and you didn't drop your stuff. You may have freaked out, maybe even shit your pants, but you are still hanging on.

I have climbed a lot this month. I am happy. We are happy, and I am not stopping.

 

I really messed up yesterday. I had a panic attack, which did a necro act on some seriously nasty emotions I had dealt with previously. It caused a relapse and I did not react well. I was able to stop it from becoming a riot. I still ended up keeping my wife up somehow. Probably sleep paralysis or vocalizations of pain. Those extreme, scary attacks only come once in a while. Probably a reaction to all of my recent life changes. Whatever the case, today is miserable. Fuck today. I intend to get a lot done today. Part of changing my self-loathing habits is not comparing myself to others, but comparing myself to myself. As long as I am working better than I did yesterday, and especially better than a month ago, everything is gonna turn out fine. Compound effect.

I like how you are kind and generous. Anything from baking things for your friends to carrying me through traumatizing panic attacks. Your heart gives, and it is that love that makes everybody around you better.

I like that you are so open minded, and willing to try new things for me.

I Like #1, April 3 2016

I like how you thank me when thanks is deserved, and always show your appreciation, even for little things.

I like how you tell me I'm beautiful and how much I mean to you.

March, 23, 2016

10:35 AM

Woke up a little late. 6.5 to 6.8 hrs of sleep. Maybe 10:10 to 5 AM at the most.

Gloomy at first, but my job keeps me focused.

Panda got a shower, was in good spirits.

March, 22, 2016

• Ashley got these handcuff things for the van. Was slightly afraid to show them to me for fear that I would not be "into it". She is in for a surprise...

• She asked me if I was comfortable about her talking about her male co-workers. She did not have to do this, it was very considerate.

• She spent a little extra time on the video game with work friends. To her, I looked very mad about this, it was 8:30 and the kids were going nuts. She did not get offended, and even apologized a few times. I found this very considerate.

Gloomy morning, but me and Panda watched "Fuller House" for a bit before school. Bit of a corny show, but she likes it. Still explodes like a bothered parrot and flies to the bus when she sees it. Funny, kind of odd though. She got good ratings at school, but was very fussy and misbehaving while we were out. Not snapping at her as much, trying to subtract by adding. Removing negative responses by habitually adding positive ones.

Kota had another good day. Ate breakfast, very sweet, a little hyper at the end of the day. Was surprised when I hugged him. Can't believe I built a little wall with my little four-year old.

Cass and me bonded as usual. Brushed his teeth twice today. Gotta watch for diaper rash.

Got some things done, shorted on others. Feel strength entering my body, trying to calm the raging fires. Such explosive emotion, like lava in my veins. Channeling it into the work on my body, forging myself for fighting and f***ing. Sex and strength.

Sexual conquest tonight. Fucked her rather normal, then brought her to orgasm with my mouth, then immediately started fucking her again, but in more of a "rattling" fashion. I don't think she was expecting something like that. Her reaction was priceless. I extended the orgasm for quite a while, that or created multiple. Deep lovemaking. I am quite satisfied. Except that I never am. Always stay thirsty.

I wanna say on the 22nd I slept maybe 6.5 or 6.8 hrs. Tried to get more this morning, no luck. Woke up 15 mins late. Glad I did or she wouldve missed work. Sometimes my stupid internal clock comes in handy.

March, 21, 2016

This morning Ashley had to work, but we woke up too late. No snooze button on the computer alarm. She could not call in, as she wants to make a good impression.
Despite being late, she leaned across the bed to kiss me, express her love, and leave.

I was short with Panda this morning. I feel bad, I would get cross with her for making too much noise, and not knowing where her clothes or school folder was.  I need to calm down, but this morning was not a normal morning.

Kota was good, very good this morning. He ate several bites of leek and sausage soup ("Summer Soup", an invention of mine an Ashley's) He did not cause any trouble getting ready for school, and was pleasant and sweet as I gathered his clothes.

Cassian has been a little less active today. Lots of hugs and kisses.He just woke up, meowing at the cat.  Plan to hopefully take him on a walk, or at least outside, but my heart is thumping right now hard, so we will see.

Done so far:
2 loads of laundry in the works, one sorted and put away.

Finished an assignment for school.

Most of the living room done.

Partial load of dishes.

Altar set up partially.